8 Tips to Help With Separation Anxiety in Children
Landon started preschool six weeks ago, and by now he really loves it.
After preparing him, and myself, extensively for his first day in preschool, he did great and didn’t even cry when I left.
On the first two days I stayed for 30 minutes to make sure he felt comfortable, and he waved at me when I told him I’d leave to get a coffee.
On the third day his teacher told him, and me, that I would be leaving right now, and that did upset Landon.
I know my child, we are very close and he needed a little more time to be okay, but I guess his teacher wanted to get her day started and didn’t want me hanging around.
I can accept that and went along with it, although Landon visibly had a harder time with me leaving right away.
He started to cry and clung to me.
We assure him that I would come back very soon and Ms. Laura eventually took him in her arms and comforted and distracted him so I could leave.
I stayed in the hallway until I heard that L stopped crying, which took about three minutes.
I was able to take a peak in the door and saw that Ms. Laura was doing a good job to get him interested in playing with the other kids.
This clinging to me and crying lasted for about three mornings.
He got over that hump, but L has been more clingy and more separation anxiety in general since starting preschool.
But that could also have to do with me dropping him off at Grandma’s more often or him going with Daddy more often because I need to have time to pack for our move.
Now that I have a little bit more insight and experience, here are 8 tips for parents of preschoolers or kindergarteners that will help with preparing your child and help with separation anxiety.
Tips For Preschool Separation Anxiety in Children
1. Don’t sneak out on your child, always say goodbye.
How would you feel if someone left you without an explanation in a new, strange place?
The fact that you are coming back will teach your child that he or she can trust you, strengthen your relationship, and foster independence.
Here is the best book to make the separation easier: The Kissing Hand.
It is such a sweet story, and will make all the difference — you’ll see!
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2. Be prepared that your child might have a delayed reaction to the separation.
He or she might initially roll with the punches but get more needy and clingy after a few days.
Keep reassuring your child that you will always come back to pick up him or her.
3. Be prepared that YOU might have a delayed reaction to the separation!
I was out of sorts the first day I left L at preschool, but felt okay enough not to cry.
Two weeks later I watched another mom have to leave her little son for the first time, and seeing him keep asking for more and more kisses made me cry.
I felt so bad for that mom — I knew exactly how hard it is to leave your baby there.
4. Tuck a family picture in your child’s lunch box so she can look at it when she wants mommy or daddy.
I can imagine that that doesn’t help some children, though, it might make the child more upset, so I would ask the preschool teacher what she thinks about this idea for your child.
5. Ease your mind by waiting around to see how long it actually takes for your child to stop crying.
You might be surprised to find that he/she only cries for a few minutes.
6. Work with the preschool staff.
If you notice that your child is in a lot of distress or isn’t adjusting well after a couple of weeks, talk to the staff about what the problem seems to be and how it can be addressed.
Every child’s needs are different, and you probably have a good idea as the parent what would help your child.
Get the staff on board with your idea and try out that new approach.
7. Don’t be afraid to give the school’s director or teacher directions.
Landon doesn’t eat much of his snack in preschool, and because he also doesn’t want much breakfast at home, I instructed his teacher to encourage him to eat more.
I pay a lot of money for him to be well taken care of, so I don’t have a problem requesting how they handle certain things.
8. Avoid being late to pick up your child to make sure your child doesn’t get distressed while having to wait.
Make the pickup the priority — everything else that needs your attention can be dealt with afterward.
I hope you and your child have a wonderful preschool experience, and I hope that these tips for separation anxiety in children helped!
Do you have a preschool tip you want to share? Leave a comment to help other parents!
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Becca Holton says
I’m grateful that you shared your insight you gained from your experience dropping off your son at school. My daughter is almost old enough to start going to school. That’s why it’s good to know that my child might become more needy and clingy after a few days.
hbloch says
ok, so my little man, has a big problem being left, his first day at preschool last week resulted in him crying for over an hour, and clinging to me for dear life for the week after, I truly believe he needs this, he is a very social child. He craves other children and enjoys playing and singing. He will be 3 in December and is a junior preschool program. Part of me thinks, just get him through this, he has to get over it and part of me says no hes not ready. AHHHHHHH
Dagmar says
Hi there!
I’m no expert, but this is what I’d do: talk to him about preschool. Does he want to go? Does he want to play with the kids? If he does and you feel in your heart he belongs there, then tell him how the next day will go. You will drop him off, stay for a few minutes, and then leave. Tell him you are just getting a coffee and will be right back.
Can you get the book The Kissing Hand? Read that with him the night before.
The second he starts clinging to you, get on his level and tell him that this is what you’ve talked about, and that you’ll be back. Give him a kiss on his hand so he can always think of you and knows you’ll be thinking of him (The Kissing Hand). Then leave. I used to stay just behind the door to listen to L, and after a big hug and getting distracted, L calmed down within minutes. It really gets so much worse when mom stays and the kids work themselves in a frenzy. Go before the first tear even appears, if possible.
You might be amazed how fast he calms down. Or he might cry for a few days. But if the teachers are good at distracting and gentle and kind, he’ll be fine. He won’t be traumatized from crying for a bit. I’d also talk to the teacher beforehand that this is your plan and that you’d like them to hold him and distract him until you are gone. You are a team, and I’d work together.
L had a kid in class who cried every day for quite a while, but he eventually learned that Mommy always comes back and that he is having fun. Kids are very resilient. Just make sure you keep it together – you can fall apart in the parking lot :) What always helps me with that is Bach’s Rescue Remedy drops from the health food store.
On the other hand, at only 3, if you really think he isn’t ready and you don’t have to send him, why not have him home for another year and enjoy that time with him? It goes by so fast… Going to preschool is different than going to a playdate once in a while, which is probably enough for socializing.
Let me know how it goes!
Jerseygirl89 says
Great suggestions. I’ve taught preschool and I have to say that it really depends on the kid (and the parent) for what’s best in transitions. For most kids, a short transition (5 minutes or less of parent hanging around) is usually the best. The child may cry when the parent leaves, but calms down just as quickly and when the parent stays longer, the child still cries but takes a lot longer to calm down. However, some kids don’t react that way and the parent and teacher have to adjust for that. One option for kids who need a long transition is for the parent and child to come in early, so that 20 minutes of a 30 minute transition happen before class officially starts.
Doctors and dentists are very different experiences from preschool and no child should be left alone with them, at least not until the child rolls his 12 year old eyes and asks you to leave.
Angie says
I would just like to say that I feel as though you are giving come very misguided information to parents regarding separation anxiety. I am a preschool teacher and majored in Child Development. The reason why the teacher informed you and Landon that you would be leaving is because your sitting with him for thirty minutes to help “sooth” his transitional anxiety only fosters and reinforces the negative behavior. You are telling your child that if they are scared at school that you will be there. As a parent I can completely understand wanting your child to know that they can count on you to keep to them safe, however, in this particular scenario it is not what is best for the child. It is absolutely necessary during preschool and the early education years for the child to develop autonomy and learn how to self sooth. This is the venue in which a child will be learning that school is safe and fun place and when a parent stays for a while or lingers during a goodbye or even tries to pacify possible crying then that sends the message to the child that this environment is only safe when mom is there too. Miss Laura should have discussed this with you prior to the second day though. I believe in creating a routine in which you discuss with your child prior to the first day about a regular time you will drop off on a daily basis, what your good bye routine will be (maybe a butterfly kiss or a high five), and then leave. That sends the message that you trust that they will be fine and that this is a positive environment. Also, if a child sees their parent peeking through a window or door after they have already calmed them self and have been redirected and engaged in an activity the anxiety could begin all over again. So prepare your child for the transition and talk about it often in a positive light and follow the guides mentioned above and parents will have success within the quickest time frame available for the individual child. It is true that parents know their children best, but teachers have dealt with transitioning difficulty and separation anxiety far many more times than a parent who has never facilitated a classroom.
Dagmar says
Angie, I know my son best and know what works for him. I stayed with him for a little while for a few days, shorter every day, and he was just fine after a weeks or so. Of course I made sure that he never saw me peek through the door after I left, I also believe that that would have made it harder on him. L did just fine after the first week and we never had a problem after the initial few tough days, which have to be expected.
I don’t believe in just throwing L into situations, I believe in being there for him and my emphasis was to prepare him as much beforehand with talking about the school and showing it to him so that he would get used to the idea. If I would follow your advice, I should probably also be okay with dentists who don’t allow parents in the exam room. I would never leave my child alone with a dentist. It is very hard on me to talk him through the procedures, but I can’t imagine not being there for him when he is scared and so vulnerable. He is growing up to be a very independent, fearless little guy BECAUSE he feels secure in me being there when he needs me. He’s going to need and want me less and less when he gets older, but right now he’s only 3 1/2. I can work on “toughening” him up when he’s older.
Lauren @ Hobo Mama says
I’ll just second the idea of the delayed reactions. Mikko’s first day went really well, but then he went through a spate of being upset at my leaving. Then he was fine again, and later he went through another phase of being upset. It can be helpful not to let that surprise you. And I also get sad when I see other kids and new parents being sad! It’s so hard in those first days when you were used to being there for them all the time.
But now Mikko loves his school and talks about his teachers all the time at home. I think he missed them over Thanksgiving break! I would say also to look for a school with a small teacher:student ratio and low staff turnover and encourage the teachers to bond with your child and vice versa.
Katie - PeanutSprout says
One thing that I think (hope) is going to help my son prepare for preschool is going to a summer day camp for preschoolers. Two days last week he went to a YMCA camp for 3 and 4 year olds. It was only from 9 to 12. I dropped him off and picked him up. He had to stay and play with the group, have a snack, etc.
Firefly says
I’m not sure is it me or my little girl, but we just were not ready for preschool this year. It could be the separation anxiety on both sides. Although I think she is ready more than me. I know many things will change by the next year, and we will be ready.
Great tips, very helpful, love the picture!
Elle says
I agree, I am not sure me and my kiddos are ready for this stage. However it is great to have tips that help ease their anxiety when the time comes.